This has been the hardest post to write so far. Navigating friendships while living with chronic pain and mental health issues has been an ongoing struggle for me. Some days I feel so lonely and boring. Then other days I feel really fulfilled by my small circle and the limited activities I’m able to do. I’ve had to mourn the loss of friendships I thought would last a lifetime, but I’ve also had to mourn the loss of a version of myself that I hoped would last as well.
Less fun = Less Friends ?
I’ve found that for a majority of my friendships, my value seemed to lie in how “fun” I could be. At the end of the day they were pretty surface level friendships based on a foundation of pregames with shots and screaming along to way too loud music, followed by nights at the bar dancing until they kicked us out at closing time. My phone was constantly buzzing with calls and texts and invites and I truly loved every minute of it. In that time of my life I could take a couple of Tylenol while I was getting ready and be fine all night.
As the years went on my pain got worse and I didn’t have the ability to be as social as I once was. I would have to turn down some invitations and then it felt like the more I declined, the less I started to receive. It wasn’t that I didn’t want to be there and be a part of the fun nights and silly memories, I just physically couldn’t. I don’t know if my friends took all of the excuses and no-shows personally or I was just ‘out of sight, out of mind’ – either way I felt myself drifting further from the group. Once there was a drift, my anxiety started to rear its ugly head and drive the wedge even further.
I started to believe that my friends didn’t really like me anymore. That because they forgot about me last weekend, then this weekend’s invite was surely out of obligation or because I was already in that group text and not because they actually wanted ME there. This mindset and fear caused me to remove myself from even more activities (even ones that I might have physically felt up to doing). Which brings me to the ways that mental health has affected my friendships over the years.
“I’m here if you need me”
Living with anxiety, depression, and chronic pain is absolutely exhausting. Living with those things and trying to maintain friendships and a social life feels almost impossible most days. I find myself feeling really misunderstood but I guess that’s partially on me because I don’t usually disclose enough information about how I’m really feeling to be fully understood.
I do feel like I’ve tried. I’ve slipped little comments into conversations and nobody took the bait. Or I’ve tried with one or two friends to really dive deep and let it all out and I get the standard “well I’m here if you need me” or “reach out more” as if it didn’t take everything in me to let it out the first time. I don’t know if it’s just my own hang ups or it stems from my mental health struggles, but it’s not in my nature to call or text someone when I’m having a hard time. Isolation is easiest and feels the most comfortable for me, so no – I can’t just “reach out more.”
Meaningful Connections
But it’s not all sad and lonely. There are absolutely people who will understand (or at least take the time to try to understand even if they don’t).
My circle has gotten a lot smaller, but I feel so much more depth and value in the connections I have now. I have true friends who don’t care how often I text or am able to get out and be social and ‘fun.’ Friends who know that my headache is effected by barometric pressure and will text me on a rainy day to make sure I’m ok. Friends that I actually felt comfortable enough to tell them about wanting to start this blog and they sat with me for hours helping me start a website from scratch because I was completely lost. Friends that I know I can be completely and totally myself with – bad days and all – and I am accepted and appreciated (if you guys are reading this – I love you so much! You’ve impacted my life more than you know!!).
I guess to sum it up – maintaining friendships while dealing with your chronic pain and mental health is hard. So don’t worry if your circle gets smaller. You’re just making room for new kick-ass friends that will accept, support, and love you – chronic pain and all! That’s also one of the reasons for this blog…leave a comment, reply to others – let’s chat! Maybe those new friends are right here!